


catch my disease

by Rhovanel



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (2014)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Humor, Memes, Terrible internet humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-18 07:22:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16990566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhovanel/pseuds/Rhovanel
Summary: Vladislav goes viral. The Beast is not impressed.





	catch my disease

**Author's Note:**

  * For [brodeurbunny30](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brodeurbunny30/gifts).



**_The following takes place during an unspecified week in Wellington in 2018. Names have been redacted for safety._ **

* * *

**Monday**

“Oh Vladislav!” Viago stands in front of Vladislav’s door, ear pressed against the wood.

“He hasn’t come out of his room for a week,” Nick says, walking over to stand next to Viago. “What makes you think he’ll open up tonight?”

“Hush,” Viago snaps. He tentatively knocks on the door. “Vladislaaaaav! Rise and shine!”

Something that sounds suspiciously like a skeleton hits the wood with a crunch. “Begone!”

Viago knocks again. “Vlad, will you please answer the door?”

“No, I will not answer the door,” Vladislav’s voice is slightly muffled. “I am busy.”

“You’ve been in there for days,” Viago says. “Have you eaten anything? I know that things with the Beast are…”

 _“You do not speak her name!_ ” Vladislav roars. Nick shakes his head.

“Oh, honestly,” Viago mutters. “You cannot stay in there forever.”

“I will not stay here forever,” Vladislav replies. “Maybe just two hundred years.”

Nick snorts. “If he wants to keep packing a sad, let him do it,” he says, before wandering off back down the hallway. He pulls out his phone and starts idly scrolling through his Twitter feed, when his jaw drops and he comes to a dead halt.

“Uh, guys?” he says. “Guys!” He turns and runs back to Vladislav’s door.

Viago winces. “Nick, how many times must I tell you: do not run in the house, you will scuff the floorboards!”

“Yeah, whatever,” Nick replies. “Vladislav, were you on Mount Victoria last night?” he calls through the door.

There’s a moment of silence. “Maybe.”

“Someone’s posted a picture of you on the internet!”

“A picture of me?” The door is suddenly flung open. “Show me.”

Nick brandishes the phone at Vladislav, who squints at the screen.

 

_@redacted:_

_Pretty sure I saw batman on mount victoria_

 

Underneath there’s a grainy image of a humanoid figure with massive wings.

Viago sighs. “Vladislav, you must be careful about letting the humans see you when your transformations are so unstable!”

Vladislav swats the phone away.

“It has 15,000 retweets!”

“Nick, can you please speak in a language we understand?” Viago mutters. Nick ignores him, scrolling through the comments.

 

_@redacted:_

_He looks like he’s about to fall over any moment. Big night, Batman?_

_@redacted:_

_Why do we fall? So we can pick ourselves up again._

_@redacted:_

_Some men just want to watch Wellington burn._

_@redacted:_

_That’s not Batman, that’s the bloody Babadook_

_@redacted:_

_Marvel: ‘Infinity War is the most ambitious crossover event in history’  
Me: may I introduce you to the Babaman_

_@redacted:_

_is THIS your dark knight?_

_@redacted:_

_wow this blew up, I don’t have a soundcloud but follow me on instagram_

 

“Mate,” Nick says with awe. “You’ve gone viral.”

“Viral?” Deacon exclaims, appearing behind Nick’s shoulder. “We are not a sickness!”

“The connection between vampirism and disease is actually a common misconception,” Vladislav says grumpily.

“No,” Nick says. “You’ve gone viral on the internet. It’s like…like everyone is talking about you. Like…”

“Like mass hypnosis?”

“Yeah, I 'spose?”

Vladislav smiles. “My powers return!” he shouts, raising a fist to the ceiling. “The Beast cannot contain me!” He looks back at Nick. “How do we keep doing it?”

“How do we go viral?” Nick frowns. “You need to be funny and weird and relatable.”

“We can do that!” Viago says. “I can be funny, and Deacon can be weird.” Deacon hisses and sticks his tongue out. “But who is relatable?”

He looks at Nick, who smiles and nods.

“Stu!” Viago cries. “Stu is the most relatable!”

“Oh great,” Nick mutters. “Then what will I do?”

“You can film it on your tiny computer,” Vladislav says.

Nick groans. “But that’s boring!”

“Well, you shouldn’t have eaten the last cameraperson, remember?”

“That was not my fault!” Nick says. “I ate someone who’d been smoking weed and it gave me the munchies. Besides, I can’t film it, it has to be, like, organic.”

“A plague!” Deacon interrupts. “We will go viral and bring a plague down on the Beast!”

“A blight on the Beast!” Viago shouts, and Deacon joins in. “A blight on the Beast! A blight on the Beast!”

Vladislav looks at Nick. “Will the Beast see this virus?” he asks.

Nick shrugs. “Well, yeah. I mean, everyone sees it, that’s what viral means.”

Vladislav smiles. “Then we shall do it!” Everyone cheers.

“Let us go into the internet, then,” Vladislav says. “Let us construct a virus that will be spoken about for years.”

“Me first,” Deacon says. “Vlad, it’s time to get freaky." 

 

* * *

**Tuesday**

“I don’t know why you’re so mad!” Deacon yells. “You said weird!”

“There’s weird and then there’s whatever the hell you guys did last night!” Nick yells back.

“Everyone just calm down,” Viago says, raising his arms in a placating motion.

Nick pulls out his phone. “ _Giant possum with fangs found eating out of bins in Te Aro!_ " he reads.

Deacon and Vladislav high-five one another.

Viago makes a face. “That is nasty.”

“It is diseased,” Deacon says. “The perfect recipe for the virus.”

“How come Vlad can run around town like a bloody Pokemon and I get banished for my emails?”

“Oh, is he going to cry?” Vladislav smirks. “Are you going to, how did you say it…pack a sad?”

“I am not PACKING A SAD!” Nick yells.

“You are just jealous because you cannot transform yourself.”

“Why would I want to transform into a mangy bin scab?”

“I can digest anything in my animal form.”

Nick’s head shoots up. “Even chips?”

Vladislav grins. “Even chips.”

“This is bullshit!”

The other three vampires roar with laughter. Vladislav leans over to swipe Nick’s phone. “Did it work? Are we viral?”

“Well, you’ve got a hashtag.”

_@redacted:_

_Look at the size of this munted possum on Dixon Street! I crown him the Terror of Te Aro._

_@redacted:_

_absolute unit #TerrorOfTeAro_

_@redacted:_

_oh lawd he comin #TerrorOfTeAro_

_@redacted:_

_you would not believe your eyes_

_if one giant possum guy #TerrorOfTeAro_

_@redacted:_

_Oscar the Grouch move over - this is Oscar the possum #TerrorOfTeAro_

_@redacted:_

_me when someone catches me bingeing the Bachelor #ILoveTrash #TerrorOfTeAro_

_@redacted:_

_this is just to say_  
_I have eaten_  
_the rubbish_  
_that was in_  
_the bins_

 _and which_  
_you were probably saving_  
_for the bin collector_

 _Forgive me_  
_it was delicious_  
_so rotten_  
_and so decayed_

_#TerrorOfTeAro_

 

“Look at all the tiny people talking about me!” Vladislav points a finger at the screen. “Tweet me,” he whispers. “Tweet me!”

“Uh, I don’t think it works like that.”

“You know nothing about my powers, Nick! I am viral, am I not?”

“Yesssss!” Deacon yells. “I win!”

“No, we haven’t finished yet,” Viago says. “It is comedy night tonight!”

 

* * *

**Wednesday**

Nick walks into the living room to find Viago and Vladislav giggling in front of the computer.

“Alright, let’s see it,” he says. He walks over to stand behind the chair. “Wait, what am I looking at? Is this YouTube?”

“Watch, watch!” Vladislav says.

_Published on <date redacted>_

_People being scared by a bat on the waterfront tonight_

\--------------- 

 _redacted:_ _lol @ the guy at 0.28, he shrieked like a banshee_

 _redacted:_ _0.41!!! falls straight into the water_

 _redacted:_ _“holy fuck knuckle sandwich!” 0.34 is a legend_

 _redacted:_ _the 240 people who disliked this are cops_

 _redacted:_ _the girl at 1.03 is me_

 _redacted:_ _someone please speed this up and put the benny hill theme over it_

 _redacted:_ _1.21 though_

 

“So you turned into a bat and swooped a bunch of people to frighten them?”

Vladislav chuckles. “Humans are so predictable.”

“It has one million views!” Viago cries. “The virus cannot be stopped!”

“Hush, there is a good part coming up,” Vladislav interrupts. “Look, he is walking along, and then I scare him, and then he tries to throw his L&P at me!”

Nick watches as the bat starts lapping up the spilled drink.

“You can drink L&P too? This is so unfair.”

“It was a fun night,” Vladislav smiles. “And now Stu is here to make me relatable!”

“Hey, guys,” Stu says, appearing in the doorway with Deacon.

“I think I am already relatable, am I not?” Vladislav says. “In fact, I am probably related to most of the vampires in New Zealand, Eastern Europe, and Mauritius.”

“Mauritius?” Nick asks.

“My ship stopped there on the way to Wellington and I needed a little pick me up.”

“Little,” Deacon snorts. “You turned 45 people into vampires over two nights!”

“I was hungry,” Vladislav shrugs. “The Mauritius vampire society still holds a party every year on that night in honour of me, the founder of the feast!”

“Legendary,” Deacon laughs.

“So, Stu, what do you have planned for us tonight?”

Stu moves over to grasp the mouse. “How do you feel about a little bit of relationship advice?”

 

* * *

**Thursday**

_**I** **[862M] have an on-off relationship with my girlfriend [441F] - should I call it off for good?** _

_Long time lurker, first time poster. My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other on and off for many, many years. We are passionate in love and in anger. She sees other people when we break up but we keep ending up together again._

_We move in the same social circles and it is very difficult to avoid seeing her. We go to the same parties and sometimes even eat together. The last time I saw her she said some very hurtful things to me while I was in a compromising position, and it upset me._

_We have a very long history and I do not want to throw that away. Sometimes I am not sure if I know who I am without her. We have been a pair for so long and I am afraid to be on my own._

_**tl;dr: my on-off relationship is causing me trouble. I suffer when she is gone but I suffer when she is here. Should I move on for good?** _

_**\------------** _

_Dude, if you are asking the question, you already have the answer._  
_Seconded. Be free, my man!_

_Sometimes the people we love hurt us, but you don’t have to stay with anyone who makes you feel awful. It’s normal to be afraid of change, but embrace it! You can be anyone without her - take some time to figure out who you want to be._

_I had the same experience once: on-off relationship, great sex, even greater arguments. We said a lot of things that hurt one another. I finally decided that I’d had enough, and I broke it off for good. I’ve never felt happier and more sure of who I am, and my relationships are stronger because of it._  
_To quote RuPaul, if you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?_  
_Agree with all of this. Get to know you!_

  
_Is anyone going to say anything about the ages_  
_Typo, probably_  
_So he’s 62 and she’s…44? 41?_  
_OP, if you didn’t want to tell us your age, you could have just made up something_

  
_Okay OP, you can’t leave us hanging: what kind of compromised position?_  
_**I was impaled.**_  
_IMPALED??_  
_Oh my god does this mean what I think it means?_  
_Impaled on what? Wait, maybe I don’t want to know._  
_Well, he did say the sex was passionate._

 _Breaking up in the same social circle is tricky. But everyone should like you for who you are, not for your relationship. If anyone rejects you because of the break-up, they’re not worth keeping._  
_Yeah, see it as a chance to find out who your friends really are!_  
_**You are right. I do know who my friends are.**_

 

“Nick!” Vladislav calls. “Nick!”

“I’m coming, calm down,” Nick grumbles, as he pulls himself out of bed and staggers out to the living room, where Vladislav is still seated in front of the computer. “The sun has hardly set! Have you even slept? Viago is going to chuck a fit when he realises you were in here all day.”

“We have curtains,” Vladislav says dismissively. “Stu helped me post my story on the little r and now I have advice!”

“On the what?” Nick leans closer to look at the screen. “Ohhhh. Oh, you have 500 upvotes! Nice.”

“The internet is telling me to put myself first,” Vladislav says. “That I must discover who I am without the Beast.”

“Oh boy,” Nick says. “Katherine!”

Katherine slowly walks into the living room. “Yes, dears?”

“Vladislav needs help with some me-time.”

Vladislav turns on his chair. “How do I know myself? And how do I do it on the internet so I can keep the virus going?”

Katherine looks thoughtful. “I was talking to my granddaughter last week, and I have an idea.” 

 

* * *

**Friday**

When Nick walks into the kitchen on Friday evening, the other three vampires are already clustered around the table. They’re looking at an iPhone.

“Good evening, Nick!” Viago calls.

“Whose phone is that?”

“It is mine!” Vladislav says triumphantly. “Well, it is mine now.”

“Not gonna ask.” Nick pulls up a chair. “Shit, is that instagram? Who gave you an instagram?”

“Katherine helped me set it up.”

Nick takes the phone. “ _@pokermace_?”

Vladislav chuckles. “Get it? Because I am the poker, and sometimes I would use a mace.”

“NO HE CAN’T BLEED-A MY POKER MACE,” Deacon bellows.

“Mate,” Nick says, “I should never have taken you to Boogie Wonderland.”

“I have 40,000 followers!”

“You only set it up last night! How is that even possible?”

“I am viral, am I not?”

“You used hypnosis, didn’t you?”

“Tell him about your followers,” Viago interrupts.

“They call themselves the Vladislaves!”

“Oh my god,” Nick groans.

“They perform the appropriate rituals of devotion.” Vladislav smiles at the screen. “They give me little hearts on my selfies.”

The phone vibrates in Nick’s hands. “Oh, a message!” Vladislav says, reaching over the swipe the phone from Nick’s hands.

“Read it out, read it out!” Deacon says.

Vladislav’s smile falls off his face. “It is from the Beast.”

The other three vampires exchange a look.

“Stop making a fool of yourself on the internet,” Vladislav says slowly. “I can see what you’re doing.”

The other vampires exchange a look. “Um, Vlad,” Viago begins, but Vladislav holds up a hand to silence him.

“She can see what I’m doing,” he says slowly. “She can see me. She has fallen for the virus!”

“A blight on the Beast!” Deacon cries.

“You are victorious!” Viago says.

“We are victorious,” Vladislav corrects. “I…I appreciate you getting me out of my room. It has been fun being a virus.”

“That is what friends are for, is it not?” Viago says.

“What will you do now?” Nick asks. “Go after the Beast?”

Vladislav pauses. “No,” he says thoughtfully. “I am the Terror of Te Aro. I am the Babaman of Mount Victoria. I can hypnotise people with the power of my virus, and I have my army of Vladislaves who like me for me.”

He smiles. “I _am_ the beast.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for for the Yuletide 2018 fic exchange for brodeurbunny30, who asked for a story about how Vladislav gets over the Beast. This was a lot of fun to write: thank you for the great prompt, and I hope you enjoy it. Happy Yuletide!
> 
> Apologies to any New Zealanders for mangling their slang.


End file.
